arrival

The curtain closes, the set comes down. The applause fades, we pack up our costumes, and go home. Less than a week ago, we were eagerly anticipating opening night. Exactly a week ago, at this time, we were barely on our way home from the final dress rehearsal- our heads filled with the list of tasks yet to complete and final trouble spots to correct. But now, every moment is reduced to a memory, that which cannot be grasped by our hands- only treasured in our hearts.

I hope you were able to see "Journey to the Manger" and share this memory with us. If you're interested, you can check out photos from the show here.

Everything went well during the run. Of course, there were a few unexpected challenges, but that's the beauty of live theatre. That's what makes it better than a polished, edited film. It's real, it's raw, it's genuine. Creating a stage effect in front of an audience takes quite a bit more ingenuity that a computer generated image in a movie. And experiencing real emotion from a real person is not something you can find inside a cinema (though I'm also a film student, and can argue the many benefits of that media form as well!).

But I'm straying from the topic. From the rush of opening night to the audience reactions after the show closed, "Journey" was blessed. From the after-show cast dinners at Denny's to the heartfelt gifts from secret prayer partners, "Journey" was a blessing. In between, onstage, backstage, and in the house, the Holy Spirit was present. The magic when a musical number is perfectly executed, the camaraderie in the dressing room amid make-up and curling irons, the quick stop of the heart when something goes wrong and the giggles that follow it later (because you know, it's always something we'll look back upon and laugh), and the feel of the stage lights in your eyes...... there are so many things that cannot be accurately conveyed through words. Being part of a show is an incredible event. Being part of a ministry is an amazing blessing. Being part of Masquer.... that's something for which I will always thank God.

I pray you got something from this journey, as well. Ultimately, I hope you end your travels at the manger. Lying in simple straw is more than a fragile, holy baby. There's peace on a silent night, joy for the world, and love bigger than our hearts can hold.

In a couple of months, we'll be following that Baby as He grows up to change the world- and OUR lives- through the original production, Risen. I hope you'll come along.

Merry Christmas!

wide open

I opened my eyes as the sun filtered in through my window blinds. "Opening Night!" was the first coherent thought to surface (ok, semi-coherent). My life has held many opening nights, but something about that phrase makes the day seem a little special.

Almost.

After the rest of my thoughts reached some state of coherency, the day began:

-coordinate schedules with my roommate, Kelly (who is the assistant director for "Journey")

-organize and pack everything I will need for work and the show, since I will not be home until late tonight (who am I kidding? early this morning is more accurate)

-walk down the street to the farmers' market for a few healthy groceries

-double check every detail... make-up, costume pieces, something for my secret prayer partner, laptop, notebooks, cell phone, keys....... (oh, shoot! I just realized that I forgot to pack Miracle, my special teddy bear that always attends opening night)

While focused on executing the details, today became like any other. Kelly corrected me every time I mentioned going to rehearsal tonight.

"You mean the show. We're performing."

"Oh, yeah. That's what I meant. [insert whatever was really concerning me]"

Between now and this evening, I will regain the adrenaline and excitement of opening night. I hope it's a proper amount of enthusiasm. It's not as if I am not looking forward to this weekend's performances (I am) or thrilled to be presenting our story to an audience (I am). I've just somehow dulled the specialness with my attitude and overload of the everything-else. It happens at Christmas. It happens at church. It can happen in so many areas of life. We have misplaced the sacred things and made them commonplace. Is it possible to reclaim the magic of Christmas we experienced in childhood? How do we balance a close relationship with a friendly God and a respectful fear of the same Almighty Creator?

I'll start with opening night. At least, as soon as I get off work. And pick up Kelly. And drive through traffic. Somewhere in the midst of the daily chaos lies a tiny piece of the sacred. And you will find some of the sacred tonight, at the Candlewood Theater. I hope you'll come and share it with me.

anticipation

I just finished writing material for my job at church. The topic was preparing for Christmas, as we enter the season of advent.

Before I go to bed tonight, I will make sure I have everything ready for tomorrow's "Journey" rehearsal. At some point this weekend, I realized that we open in less than a week. Our time of preparation is ending, and the run of the show will be begin. And, like Christmas, it will be over in the blink of an eye.

I don't know about anyone else, but I usually take advent as the "sprint to Christmas". It's all focused on running toward December 25th. Gifts are prepared with the deadline in mind. The house is decorated and treats are made to be ready for that day. My mind is set on Christmas Day and every ounce of me counts down to that moment.

Once I wake up that day, I helplessly try to hold on to every moment. No matter what I do, time is racing until it's suddenly time to close my eyes and sleep. When I wake again, the biggest holiday of the year is gone and the countdown resets.

Interestingly enough, I don't feel the same way about theater- Christmas show or otherwise. Perhaps that's because it occurs more than once a year. Regardless, the production is more than just performances. Rehearsals, learning, memorization, work days.... it all adds up to weeks of preparation that are just as much a part of the show as the performances themselves. I savor and enjoy the entire process instead of merely counting down days until opening night.

Should advent be the same way? Why rush through December when we could marinate in the season of preparation? Relish the gift-making, appreciate the decorations, enjoy the season that is more than just a holi-day.

background

So much happens beyond rehearsal. There are lines to memorize, character to develop, music to learn, dance steps to review...... And then there are work days.

Many school/college productions or professional theaters have a separate stage crew to construct the set. Since Masquer is a smaller operation, the people you see on stage are also the folks who have done the work offstage (of course, we have many offstage folks who deserve credit. Without out our stage manager, house crew, light, sound, and other supporters, we would not have a show!). Typically, a small group meets on Saturdays to construct set pieces, paint, and prepare for the upcoming show. The finished project is truly a labor of love from the hands of people who love so much to give their time and talents so generously.

When I joined the company last year, I was fortunate to faithfully attend the Sunday rehearsals. Now, my job and life circumstances have changed, providing opportunity to become more deeply involved with Masquer. The more I immerse myself in the theatrical, the happier I am. So being perched fifteen feet above the ground with a paintbrush and ipod produced something of a calm euphoria. In exchange for allowing me to battle personal stress with artistic therapy, "Journey to the Manger" gained a backdrop.

(Our director, Ian, poses for perspective.)

One small piece of the tapestry that is a show..... Many times this week, Ian has reminded us that "Theater is a team sport". That truth is not lost on me. I've tried to do "one-woman shows" in other ministries. I don't think it can be done- certainly not done well. But God never intended for us to go it alone, did He?

stew

Grab your spoon, this entry is going to be like a thrown-together soup... random tidbits floating around......

Most of my time in this week's rehearsal was spent working on vocals. Since joining Masquer, my harmonizing skills have increased (and still need so much improvement), but I must put a lot of focus into learning the alto part. And that's what we did... we listened, we sang, we laughed, we learned. Sitting on the carpeted floor of the preschool Sunday School classroom, I rested my head against Sara's knee. Cathy, a beautifully talented soprano, kindly jumped down to alto on some of the most difficult times so that we could hear it better. I was grateful that co-alto Amanda was right there, singing snugly between me and the kids' playhouse. As Carol expertly led us from we-sort-of-know-this to hey-this-is-starting-to-sound-pretty-good, my mind was able to focus on the music instead of the "everything else".

Sometimes it makes me sad that I miss the point. Here I am, singing beautiful words over and over again- telling the story of our precious Jesus- and not even paying attention. Instead, I was more concerned about the notes and chords, the technical accuracy of the song. I realize this is not horribly ridiculous. There is a time for everything... we have to spend the time learning the music so we can perform it well. There is time to appreciate the meaning later, and to live it on stage. Rehearsal is for work, not worship (sometimes we get that chance, but the worship comes at other times). This is okay..... Maybe it's like the people who built the tabernacle. Can you imagine constructing a place of worship? But it's work to sew and carve and shape the metal to specific requirements. The tabernacle was holy, but first the work had to be done. "Journey to the Manger" will be a special, moving show that God will use for His purposes. But first, the work must be done.

After our vocal time, we moved to the stage to block the scene. I soon discovered that during a particular song (the one I was now confident I knew my part), I would be changing costumes. This is not a big deal at all- it's the natural flow of a show. But a tiny little inner voice whined that all that work was for nothing. I quickly silenced that unreasonable voice. Yet, how often does this happen in life? How many times have I asked God, "Really? You had me go through all that... and for what?" I am so quick to label my efforts and challenges as pointless if I don't see everything right away. How foolish to assume such comprehension of the plans of the Almighty Creator of the Universe! How childish to even consider that time spent earnestly rehearsing is wasted effort. And how selfish to think that each moment is about me instead of how we are working as a team.

Stirring this bowl of thought/blog soup...... On a more personal note, I have been struggling with some issues lately. Nothing earth-shattering, but enough to leave me emotional and a little vulnerable. The things is, I don't like being vulnerable (which, ironically, is a bit of a necessity for an actor). While part of me may need some nurture, the LAST thing I want to do is make that known. I prefer to bless my friends, not burden them. I also prefer to be optimistic and of good cheer, not gloomy or dark and twisty (the ONE phrase I took from my brief viewership of Grey's Anatomy). Besides, we have merely four precious hours of a rehearsal each week- why waste it on the negative? So on went my smile as I stepped into the theater (yes, I realize that last week's "mask" entry was either hypocritical or preaching to myself) (and I promise I will stop with the parentheticals).

Yet, either I wasn't as skilled at exaggerating my cheerfulness or God led my cast-mates to additional kindness because He knew I needed it. The combined bits of love and affection I received that afternoon were enough to impact my soul that day. It mattered. It helped.

masked identity

Theater people need very little encouragement to put on a costume. When a Sunday rehearsal also happens to be on Halloween, there will definitely be festively dressed actors! And that is why, if you walked into the theater a few days ago, you would've found a Roman gladiator doing stretches (or at least trying in restrictive metal armor!), a pirate and gypsy singing Christmas carols, Rainbow Brite and Barbie dancing together, or a tiny Bo Peep looking for her sheep.

It's fun to be someone else. We've all had the annual delight of deciding who we want to be for a costume party or trick-or-treat. Usually, we choose someone or thing that we admire or think could be thrilling. This year, I chose Astrid from the movie "How to Train Your Dragon" for a number of reasons- easy to make, fun to wear, and who wouldn't want to pretend to be a young viking who flies on the back of dragons? Oh yeah, and carrying a battle axe is kind of neat..... How many Halloween costumes are an extension of ourselves or who we want to be- even for a day?

Actors get the honor and opportunity to do this throughout the year. In the spring, I walked the steps of a disciple of Jesus. Now, when I step into this production, I am married to a hard-hearted artist. I get to portray a woman, who like a few of my real-life friends, loves her husband and prays with a heavy heart that he'll also know her First Love- Christ. And just like our Halloween costumes contain pieces of ourselves, so often do our stage roles.

Each one of us has our own reasons for being drawn to the theatre. When you're someone else, you can escape reality for a moment. You also learn about life from another perspective, and maybe even gain understanding and compassion for people in vastly different lifestyles. Sometimes we uncover something about ourselves we didn't previously realize. It's a complicated thing, identity.

What happens when the lines of theatre and life become blurry? When do we grab a mask offstage? We use disguises to hide the parts of our true selves that aren't so impressive. We pretend to feel confident in situations that make us nervous. We present exaggerated pieces of ourselves to best fit the circumstances. This isn't necessarily a negative thing. I think there are instances where it's appropriate to behave in a certain manner (job interview, for example). But are we always true to the person God created? Are we "dressing up" for good reasons?

When I was studying at a college in Kentucky, my theatre professor told me that we should never use our acting skills in "real life". I thought she was nuts. I was increasing my skills and finding them quite useful beyond the stage doors. While I never meant to lie or manipulate (and I don't think I really have- at least not on purpose), I have not always been proud of who I am. When I would rather be someone else- someone more charming, funnier, and without my flaws and hang-ups- I could just portray that person. Believably. And that became the person everyone thought I was, all while missing the "real" me. Then, it wasn't long before it was unclear who the "real me" even was.....

It's not unique to a formal show. We all give performances daily-like wearing the smiling mask while our heart is breaking. But "dressing up" outside doesn't stop the heartbreak inside. At the end of the day, we still have to remove the costume, wash off the make-up, and reveal our true identity. But if we're brave enough to look in the mirror for a moment, we might see the beautiful soul that God cherishes so much. That's the identity He treasures and created for a reason- the person He does not want to hide.

white rabbit

The clock dutifully clicked its way toward one o'clock as I helplessly sat in the informal meeting/conversation at WorkChurch. The matters discussed were important and my job is priority. Yet, I couldn't keep my mind from thinking that I would never reach rehearsal by the 1:30 start time.

I love my job. It's so refreshing to earn a living through something I genuinely love- teaching kids about Jesus (and the fun activities that help that happen!). I also love the theater, and the years have taught me to treat rehearsals with professionalism. Masquer may be a ministry, but that does not mean that standards and discipline are more relaxed. In fact, the opposite is true! When we are working to please God instead of man, shouldn't our efforts be increased? How often do we allow the great gospel message to compensate for our lack of quality workmanship?

As I tried to balance efficient driving with not speeding (ok, not speeding too drastically), I reviewed the music and lines for the show. If I must be late, I would at least be ready to jump right in as soon as I left my car in the parking lot.

That key word is "balance". We all struggle with balance in some way, don't we? Family and job, work and play, junk food and nutrition, friends and school...... What is it about us that naturally leans to extremes? Why can't it be easier to know just how much time and energy should be applied to the many branches of our lives?

There are only two places in life where I am able to focus on the "here and now". When I am snorkeling and free-diving under the gentle Pacific waves, it is calm and quiet. Not a thought of homework or worry exists- my mind is clear and focused. The same is true of the stage. My usual short and scattered attention span is tamed, disciplined, and consumed by the work of rehearsal.

I refuse to jump into "motivational speaker mode" and suggest solutions to our collective habit of imbalance. I don't have the answers and it's silly to think that a single method would work for all people. Object lessons that I show the church kids- like trying to fit rocks and golf balls and sand and water into a jar- only colorfully state the obvious. It's not helpful.

My art of juggling work, school, theater, and more will continue. It will morph and change and adapt over the years, but I know better than to think it will ever stop in this lifetime. I'm thankful to have a Master Planner one step ahead of me.... heaven knows I couldn't do it without Him.

rehearse

As much as I love performing, and for as long as I've been doing it, I don't always have much confidence in my abilities. For the most part, my focus is on the actual process. With my mind on learning the material and committing to the moment, there is little time to step back and critique myself. I prefer it that way- the less time that is spent dwelling on self, the better. But after a six month "vacation" from acting, the usual insecurities began seeping in again.

As we blocked the first scene of "Journey to the Manger", I couldn't help but suspect that our director, Ian, miscast my role. Surely, a number of folks in our company can much better portray Christine, the wife of our Christmas-seeking central character. But despite my second-guessing, God proves over and over how specific He is to details. Every Masquer production has been cast perfectly- and that includes the unexpected changes that occur without fail (how often have we laughed that the final cast is never quite the same as when we begin?). Trusting in the capabilities of God Almighty (and Ian all-obedient), I decided to push insecurities aside to make room for hard work. I owe my cast-mates my very best. And if we forget the question of "am I good enough?" and instead ask "is this super fun?", then the answer is a resounding YES.

seasons

I'm not as close to God as I'd like to be.

Our relationship is healthy, I would say. I pray, He loves, I worship, He talks, I listen. My occupation is children's ministry. By all counts, things are good. But it's just not the same as it has been in the past.

I suppose it makes sense, as life moves in seasons. Of course, sometimes we're gonna be rockin' the Jesus stuff, and other times, maybe a little less. From a human stance, this is reasonable. But is it correct? Is this pleasing and acceptable to God?

We know that God is concerned with the matters of the heart. He doesn't compare us to other people, and there's not some divine scale of merit by which He judges. I may not be volunteering for service projects as much as in the past, and some of my study and church habits have changed, but I still love the Lord with as much passion as before.

This morning, in the car, I listened to the music from a past Masquer production, Risen (Act II, anyway. I can't seem to find Act I for the life of me....). It's amazing how powerful music can be. It has the ability to take us back to places and times we bury in our memories. Perhaps those moments have etched themselves on our hearts, and merely need to be uncovered. On the freeway, under a cloudy sky, I rediscovered that intimate worship I've been missing for the past few months. What a gift!

Risen was a powerful show. Few productions contain such intensity, and for good reason. Wouldn't that minimize the preciousness if such things became commonplace and everyday? I don't know what to expect from Journey to the Manger. I'm sure it will be moving, and I selfishly hope that, during the process, my soul is moved as well. I wonder if we have to wait until heaven before we constantly live in intense closeness with our Heavenly Father. Are the varying seasons of closeness one of the side effects to living on earth, or is it possible to experience the incredible effects of experiences like Risen all the time?

beginning the journey to the manger

My favorite part of being a member of a theater company is that there is always a show. Even as the final curtain closes on one production, the next is anxiously waiting to begin. The "end of show blues" are replaced with the enjoyment of the short break before we start the process all over again.

I walked into the first rehearsal for "Journey to the Manger" with the usual excitement and anticipation. Being introduced to the new material is almost like Christmas morning, and provides a glimpse of the coming months work. Masquer goes beyond the typical theater experience, however. In addition to the planning, rehearsal, memorizing lines and music.... there's the comfort in being with the friends who have become family.

There were a lot of new faces this time. I'm truly looking forward to getting to know the new folks. Each show we've done has brought special people into my life, and I'm sure this will be the same. It really doesn't seem like that long ago that I was the new face. When I walked into auditions two years ago, it was like I belonged here all along. This is not something that has happened elsewhere in life, and I pray I can help contribute to that experience for anyone who steps into the company.

So here we go.... a new show, new songs.... singing Christmas carols in October, and I'm pretty sure that God has a few things planned for us along the way. He always seems to celebrate His Son's birthday with a surprise or two. :)