alas and did

I sit in front of my laptop on the Monday after our first weekend of "Risen" performances. There is so much that could be said.... do I recap the past few weeks of blogging neglect? Brag about our God who works healing miracles on stage- and off? Share excitement of a great opening weekend and urge you to come see the show soon? I could do all these things, but I fear it would only drive you to hit that little exit button, muttering, "too long, did not read."

Instead, I shall share what is on my heart today. Part of my role in "Risen" involves singing a rather sad song after Jesus has died. In the despair of losing my friend, hero, and hope, I can only sit and ask why.

"Alas and did my Savior bleed, and did my Sovereign die
Would He devote that sacred head for such a worm as I?"

In the midst of a busy schedule, enveloped in the organized chaos of work, school, and theater, I have stumbled into some personal challenges. As I face things within myself that are less than pretty, I found myself asking this exact question. Why, God, did you go through all that trouble for me? I am not worth that kind of sacrifice!

"Was it for sin that I have done He groaned upon the tree?

Amazing pity, grace unknown, and love beyond degree..."

Such a love is difficult for me to comprehend. Years of Sunday school and Bible study put the words on paper and the answers in my head. Yet, the reality is too far beyond understanding to truly grasp. Could it be that we treat pure love so lightly that we overlook how deeply, incredibly powerful it is?

"Now might the sun in darkness hide, and shut his glories in

When Christ the mighty maker died for man, the creature's, sin.

As might I hide my blushing face when His dear cross appears

dissolve my heart in thankfulness and melt my eyes to tears!"

We've learned and we know that, though we continue to sin, God continues to forgive- infinitely. What a fantastic display of that love in action! Yet, does it break anyone else's heart to keep messing up? To see and process the beautiful sadness of Jesus' brutal death on the cross, followed by the glorious hope of His resurrection, then remember our mistakes motivated the entire thing.... that's heavy. But to understand this and yet continue to sin.... that's a recipe for heartfelt sorrow.

I recognize that it is impossible for us to live sinless lives, and that God designed the entire system with this in mind. I also realize that our Heavenly Daddy is blessed by the motivations of our heart and earnest efforts inspired by love for Him. However, I can't publish an honest entry if I tie it all up in a nice, neat bow of perfect words. When I sit in the light of that stage with flowers in my hand, my song comes from my soul.

"My God, why would you shed Your blood, so pure and undefiled

To make a sinful one like me Your chosen, precious child?"