where are your eyes?

We are smack-dab in the middle of the run of "Risen", and what a wild ride it has been! Last night's performance was a little crazy. There were little glitches and hiccups here and there.... which happens (welcome to live theatre). As trained actors, we know that we just keep moving through the performance and trust that God will fill in the gaps where we make mistakes. This doesn't always prevent frustration though, especially when you're a perfectionist.... but the show must continue.

Despite my best efforts, I could not focus on the show at all! I was present on stage, going through the motions, but I felt like I was elsewhere. It was easy to be distracted as my mind wandered far from the moment. In desperation, I prayed through each scene- both from the wings while waiting for cues as well as when actually under the lights and in character. At one point, I kept telling myself, "Focus. Come on. Look at Jesus. Keep your eyes on Jesus and don't see the distractions."

One of the challenges of "Risen" is that Jesus is not portrayed by an actor, but through a white cloth that is manipulated by a bunraku technician (or, as we lovingly call them, prop ninjas). This is so that a person in the audience won't be hindered by the choices of an actor, but instead can see Jesus however they personally know Him. By doing this, you can place yourself among the disciples and in the very real story.

However, as an actor, it's not always a simple task to react to a piece of fabric as if it were a living, breathing person/savior. Additionally, there's an angel walking around stage- an angel that is invisible to our characters. So the mental process can sound something like, "Remember where you stand a move, focus on portraying the appropriate emotion and communicating through the song, ignore the angel, focus on the Jesus cloth." Throw in the immense lack of focus and personal distractions of last night, and you see how those desperate prayers emerge.

I'm pretty sure you see where the real-life similarities exist. I don't have to tell you how easy it is to be distracted from worship, from service, from the purposes of God's kingdom. And you know the solution is keeping our eyes on Christ, maintaining focus on the way, truth, and life. And of course, though the concept is simple, it's no easier than performing with a piece of cloth and a non-invisible angel while your mind and heart are on things beyond the stage. But it's not impossible, and He hears our desperate prayers. As we saw last night, God makes beautiful things, even out of the distracted offerings we lay at His feet.

I urge you to come see "Risen" tonight or next weekend. If the past five shows are any indication, it's likely you will witness some kind of miracle.

alas and did

I sit in front of my laptop on the Monday after our first weekend of "Risen" performances. There is so much that could be said.... do I recap the past few weeks of blogging neglect? Brag about our God who works healing miracles on stage- and off? Share excitement of a great opening weekend and urge you to come see the show soon? I could do all these things, but I fear it would only drive you to hit that little exit button, muttering, "too long, did not read."

Instead, I shall share what is on my heart today. Part of my role in "Risen" involves singing a rather sad song after Jesus has died. In the despair of losing my friend, hero, and hope, I can only sit and ask why.

"Alas and did my Savior bleed, and did my Sovereign die
Would He devote that sacred head for such a worm as I?"

In the midst of a busy schedule, enveloped in the organized chaos of work, school, and theater, I have stumbled into some personal challenges. As I face things within myself that are less than pretty, I found myself asking this exact question. Why, God, did you go through all that trouble for me? I am not worth that kind of sacrifice!

"Was it for sin that I have done He groaned upon the tree?

Amazing pity, grace unknown, and love beyond degree..."

Such a love is difficult for me to comprehend. Years of Sunday school and Bible study put the words on paper and the answers in my head. Yet, the reality is too far beyond understanding to truly grasp. Could it be that we treat pure love so lightly that we overlook how deeply, incredibly powerful it is?

"Now might the sun in darkness hide, and shut his glories in

When Christ the mighty maker died for man, the creature's, sin.

As might I hide my blushing face when His dear cross appears

dissolve my heart in thankfulness and melt my eyes to tears!"

We've learned and we know that, though we continue to sin, God continues to forgive- infinitely. What a fantastic display of that love in action! Yet, does it break anyone else's heart to keep messing up? To see and process the beautiful sadness of Jesus' brutal death on the cross, followed by the glorious hope of His resurrection, then remember our mistakes motivated the entire thing.... that's heavy. But to understand this and yet continue to sin.... that's a recipe for heartfelt sorrow.

I recognize that it is impossible for us to live sinless lives, and that God designed the entire system with this in mind. I also realize that our Heavenly Daddy is blessed by the motivations of our heart and earnest efforts inspired by love for Him. However, I can't publish an honest entry if I tie it all up in a nice, neat bow of perfect words. When I sit in the light of that stage with flowers in my hand, my song comes from my soul.

"My God, why would you shed Your blood, so pure and undefiled

To make a sinful one like me Your chosen, precious child?"